Common Terms Concerning Abuse
Emotional Abuse: Constant criticism; minimizing your accomplishments; denying or minimizing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions; telling you what you think and feel; refusing to negotiate on issues important to you; demeaning looks; intimidation; aggressive behavior; manipulation; refusal to ever be pleased; withholding affection; refusal to listen; refusal to communicate; emotionally withdrawing as punishment; and similar actions.
Verbal Abuse: Insults, put downs, name calling, berating, screaming, humiliation, taunts, threats (subtle or outright) attacks on your character, shaming, constant blaming.
Physical Abuse: The intentional act of causing physical injury or trauma. Also includes limiting your physical movement in an attempt to unduly control you. Refusing to let you leave, hitting, punching, slapping, grabbing your wrists to control you, restraining you from moving as you wish, standing over you in an intimidating way, limiting your access to necessary or desired medical care, unwanted sexual contact, blocking you, shoving, choking, painful pinching, biting, head butting, kicking, kneeing, elbowing, striking you, painful squeezing, and any other such acts.
Financial Abuse: Limiting your reasonable access to money, hiding money from you, making large purchases without your approval or against your will, making you financially responsible for the bills (or a large portion of them) while they get to use the money they earn for whatever they choose without discussion.
Financial abuse can also include refusing to let you get a job, thus limiting your freedom by restricting your financial situation and making you dependent on them. It also includes the abuser criticizing you for legitimate smaller purchases (household needs, kids’ needs) while they justify unnecessary larger ones (gambling, purchasing a more expensive vehicle when a less expensive one would do, extraneous clothing, hobbies, etc.)
Psychological Abuse: Also referred to as emotional abuse. See above.
Gaslighting: Statements the abuser makes to get you to doubt your recall of events. Denying the reality of what happened. Changing the story. Anything that causes you to wonder if you’re the one remembering it incorrectly. This can be a slight tweak to the story (“I didn’t throw your phone, I tossed it.”) or a major overhaul of the facts (“I didn’t push you. You were falling and I was trying to catch you.”). Somehow it’s convincing enough that you start to question your version of the events.
Common phrases to do this include, “I never said that.” “You’re so paranoid. She’s just a friend (when you found flirty texts).” “I doubt I said it like that.” “I wouldn’t have done that.” “I’m not that type of person.” “Can’t you take a joke.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re so dramatic.” “You’re upset over nothing.”
Especially dangerous is when the abuser tells you how you thought or felt about something in opposition to the real version.
Crazy Making: A continuation of gaslighting, this is when the abuser changes the version of the story so often that you start to wonder if you’ve lost your grasp of reality, questioning if you really are seeing things clearly. You start to wonder if you’re going crazy. Sometimes the abuser will reinforce this notion with statements such as, “You’re going crazy.” “You should get checked. I think you’re losing your mind.”
Reactive Abuse: When you’ve had enough of the abuse and start to fight back using the same techniques, such as anger, name calling, put downs, or losing it.
Since the abuser uses these techniques so often, at some point you figure it must be the way to handle situations with them. When you finally do resort to these techniques, the abuser will then say, “See, you’re the one who’s angry. I’m just trying to talk to you.” This continues the gaslighting of making you believe you’re the real problem in the relationship. It’s also the reason so many who have been abused wonder if they’re the abuser or if they’re at least to blame for their partner’s abuse.
Isolation: Limiting, cutting off your access to, or constantly complaining about your associations with others. The goal is to get you to spend less time with your family, friends, or coworkers, all of whom the abuser sees as a threat to their control of your mind, heart, and life.
C-PTSD (also sometimes referred to as C-PTSR): Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (or Response). A legitimate form of PTSD developed from being in an abusive situation. Can cause feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, worthlessness, helplessness, physical ailments, and other related feelings and symptoms, including amnesia or improved recall of traumatic events (this is why it’s sometimes hard to remember some abuse and why the memory of other abuse is more pronounced).
Love Bombing: Over the top initial interest and attention paid by the abuser to get the unsuspecting victim hooked. Things like telling the other person, “I love you,” within a short time frame, wanting to get serious very quickly, overly charming or seductive, wanting to spend EVERY possible minute together, expensive gifts early on, grand gestures, and so on.
Phrases include, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.” “You’re so intelligent.” “You’re not like anyone else I’ve ever dated. You’re so special.”
Abusers want you to feel the euphoric high of their attention and approval. Just like a drug dealer giving out free samples, they know if you’re hooked on that euphoric feeling you’ll do whatever it takes to get it, including enduring mistreatment and a power imbalance in the relationship.
Intermittent Reinforcement: Giving you just enough approval, attention, affirmation, and or affection to keep you hanging on. It’s when the abuser is nice or extremely caring. It’s a form of gaslighting because you believe maybe the love-bombing version of them is coming back.
Trauma Bonding: Refers to the strong emotional ties to your abuser. The connection that comes from continuing to see the good in them and hoping it comes back, the feeling created by wondering if your situation really is that bad. When the abuser uses intermittent reinforcement in contrast to the abuse, it creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.
Projecting: When the abuser accuses you of doing what they’re doing/have done. Often this takes the form of an abuser accusing the other of cheating on them, not prioritizing them (their greatest fear is not being worshiped by their partner, yet they will often withhold praise and affection from that partner) or not listening to them when in reality, they’re the one really doing it.
Shaming: Causing you to feel inadequate or inferior. Abusers will use shame to call into question your character or the validity of your thoughts, feelings, actions, intentions, etc.
Phrases they use to do this include, “Everyone knows that’s not the way it’s done.” “Ask anyone and they’ll tell you I’m right.” “Everybody agrees with me.” “Your mom/therapist/best friend even agrees with me.” “That was a dumb decision.” “That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard.” “You make yourself look bad/stupid/unintelligent when you do that.” “You look terrible in that dress.” “You really think people are going to believe you when you pout like that?” “You’re keeping a journal so you can prove to the world what a great person you are, huh?” “I’ll tell everyone what you did.”
Actions include eye rolls, scoffs, glares, intimidating gestures, and so on.
Blaming: The abuser tries to make you responsible for everything in their life that’s not exactly as they believe it should be. They blame you for the relationship not being good, for their lack of a job, for their poor decisions, for them yelling at you, etc. Combined with shaming and constantly complaining, you start to wonder if everything really is your fault, if you’re a terrible person like they are implying you are. Sometimes you even wonder if maybe you’re the abuser because of their shaming, blaming, and complaining.
Invalidation: A common way the abuser attempts to get their way. They will minimize your feelings, thoughts, opinions, and desires by mocking them (“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”) or you (“What would you know? You’re just a hairdresser.”). They shut down discussions about topics that are important to you with statements such as, “Case closed” or “I already know what you’re going to say, we’re not talking about it,” essentially saying your thoughts, feelings, and desires don’t matter. They also are prone to block a conversation about something important by saying, “I don’t want to fight,” when all you were doing was trying to talk.
Discarding: When your use to the abuser has run out, or when they want to regain control of the relationship because you did something to try to create more of a healthy balance, the abuser will toss you aside. Dismiss you. Walk away without closure. Leave and not answer your texts or calls. They will throw you aside just as they do ordinary trash.
Hoovering: After discarding you - and just when you’re starting to lose hope - the abuser will begin to suck you back into contact and then back into the unhealthy relationship through subtle means. They may:
Send a message like nothing has changed, as if they didn’t ignore you for a week straight
Send you gifts, starting the love bombing (see above) over
“Apologize” for their mistakes, saying they’ve changed, and ask for a chance to make it right
Do something that ticks you off so you feel you need to contact them and set them straight
Ask about your plans - “Hey, I was just wondering if you’re going to John and Judy’s wedding this weekend.”
Feign a need for your help - “I’m in a dark spot and I just need someone. You always understood me best.”
Pretend (or use guilt to make you believe) you can be friends - “I know you have a hard time forgiving (notice the blame on you), but that’s no reason we can’t be friends. Just unblock me on social media.”
They know what to do to get you to respond and when you do, the power play and abuse starts all over again.
Flying Monkeys: Think Wizard of Oz. These are people who enable and sometimes “work for” the abuser by sending you harassing messages, make you out to be the bad guy, troll your social media, try to get info about you or from you to feed back to the abuser. As they defend, minimize, deflect, or promote the bully’s abuse, they themselves become abusers.
Forced Forgiveness: When the abuser pressures you through blame and shame to ignore their mistreatment. They employ manipulation through phrases like, “Good Christians know how to forgive. Thought you were trying to be one.” or “Can’t you let it go? It’s not like you’re perfect.”
This deflection away from their behavior and to yours is further abuse. They’re not taking responsibility for their actions, they’re gaslighting you (see above) by shifting the focus, AND they’re further tearing at your self-esteem through the last part, “It’s not like you’re perfect.” The abuser and their flying monkeys (see above) love to use forced forgiveness, especially when the abuser is facing legal consequences for their actions. They want you to drop it, let it go, because they HATE consequences for their actions.