It’s the holiday season, which means that many of you will be celebrating what should be good times with your family members over course of the next month.
Unfortunately, for so many of us, the holidays represent a time of dread, because we know what awaits us.
Family members who are difficult to deal with.
And I’m not just talking about your uncle who is a little odd and your aunt who gets a little too tipsy.
I’m talking about toxic family members who seem to have this magic ability to ruin any family gathering. Toxic family members who make everyone else uncomfortable. Toxic family members who seem to not understand social clues and who are too stubborn to see or care about the chaos they’re creating.
Sometimes, this is closer to us than extended family members. It might be mom, dad, brother, sister, or your significant other.
If you’re dreading the holidays because of the presence of a toxic family member, here are 3 tips to keep in mind to help you deal with them and keep you emotionally safe during what should be a festive and joyful time of year.
1. Do not engage
Can’t stress this one enough. So often when people feel attacked or see something happening that they don’t like, they feel obligated to defend, justify, apologize, respond, or in some other way engage to “fix” the situation. But here’s the thing: toxic people THRIVE on the drama they create, so this feeds their fire.
Drama and chaos are their way of controlling the situation (and playing the victim later, if need be).
The best way to control a situation is to create it. Toxic people subconsciously know this, which is why they say or do things that get a reaction from you. When you react, it signals to the toxic person that you’re willing to play along with their game and that they get to call the shots. It signals you’re an actor on their stage willing to take your cues from them.
When they start up with crazy, don’t engage. When they ask why you’re still dating that loser of a guy (who may actually be right there with you), just smile and change the subject. Or simply say, “No, I’m dating a wonderful man.” And then start talking to someone else. Or when they ask if you dropped out of college because you couldn’t pass that easy class, just smile and say, “No.”
Then leave their presence.
If you know this person’s pattern and the likelihood that they will be confrontational or say something offensive, stop feeling obligated to be nice and simply avoid them all together.
There are a couple of pivotal thoughts on not engaging covered in the online course Stop Emotional Abuse if you’d like to learn more.
2. Remember other people are responsible for their own behavior
So often with toxic family people, we feel obligated to own a part of their behavior, particularly when they are telling us that they are just concerned for us or some other untrue statement that makes it seem like we are somehow responsible for how they are acting.
The truth about life is that each person on earth is responsible for their own behaviors. No one is responsible for anyone else’s behavior.
Don’t take any of their attacks or behaviors personally. As Don Miguel Ruiz points out in his book, The Four Agreements, how someone acts and reacts is a reflection of their experience in life. You don’t own it. So stop taking responsibility for it.
If you really did control another person’s actions you could tell them what to wear, when to do something, when to stop something, what to eat, with whom to speak, etc. and they would listen. It’s kind of absurd when you think about it in that context, but it’s really confusing in the moment with a toxic person because they’re really good at blaming their behavior on you.
One of the biggest lies toxic people perpetuate is that others are responsible for their behavior: You provoked them, they’re just concerned about you, you misunderstood what they meant (even though it was clear that they said something really inappropriate or offensive), or they were just joking. Don’t buy their lies, you’re not responsible for their actions or reactions.
3. Know your boundaries
This one ties in the previous two points of don’t engage and letting other people own their own behavior.
From my experience as a coach helping others through toxic situations, it’s clear that boundaries are very misunderstood and if we did understand them, they could change our lives.
Many of the people I talk to say, “I set a boundary and the other person just blows right past it, doesn’t respect it.” And I say, “Exactly.” That’s why you’ve got to get clear on what your boundary is and what you will do when someone crosses it.”
You see, boundaries aren’t about controlling another person, making them do or not do something. Boundaries are all about getting crystal clear on what behavior from others YOU ARE WILLING to accept in your life and what behavior from others you ARE NOT WILLING to accept in your life. It’s understanding with clarity what you WILL tolerate and what you WILL NOT tolerate. It’s you making the decision of what to do and how to act.
As an example, let’s say it’s your mom or significant other who always starts a fight at the Thanksgiving table by saying something negative about you, your choices, or someone else there.
Before you head to the big celebration with your pies in hand, you want to know for certainty what you’re going to say or do if mom or significant other starts in with their stuff while everyone is eating the stuffing.
Maybe you’re going to get up from the table right then and there, move to another spot, and continue your meal. Maybe you’re going to kindly request that they stop and if they don’t, you’re going to leave and make them find their own way home if you came together. I’ll say a little more on this in a second.
Maybe you’re going to look at them with a blank stare, long enough for them to understand you’re not responding, then talk to someone else. If you’re clear beforehand that this is behavior you’re not going to accept, you can get clear on what you’ll say or do if it happens. Then it doesn’t catch you off guard, you’re not surprised by it.
You may even want to make a kind, honest, and reasonable request BEFORE the big shindig, saying something like, “I’d like to ask you to not bring up any of my personal business (or whatever it is that’s at issue) during our get together.” And that’s it. A kind, honest, and reasonable request.
Do you control whether or not the other person honors it? Nope, they get to choose that. As part of this life, they get to make their choices AND you get to make yours.
So be clear on what your boundaries are and what your choices are so when they blow past a boundary, which they will because that’s what toxic people do, you feel comfortable taking action to protect yourself from their toxic behaviors.
Let’s go back to the one option of leaving and making the other person find their own way home: I’m sure at least one of you watching the video thought, “I don’t want to create a scene or add to the drama,” and at least another person thought, “I’ll get punished when they get home.” If that’s the case, I want you to really ponder about what’s happening in your relationship and how comfortable you are with it.
If you need some help clearly seeing what’s happening in your relationship, check out this relationship questionnaire that can help you get some clarity around that. If you think it’s adding to the drama to separate yourself from that person and make THEM responsible for their own behavior, or if you know you’ll face retribution, that questionnaire can help.
So that’s it, there’s the three important tips for dealing with toxic family members during the holidays.
Don’t engage, remember you’re only responsible for your behavior, and boundaries. And keep in mind, toxic people need control so the likelihood of creating drama and effectively trying to ruin the holiday is high. Be prepared.
