I’m going to share with you five must know signs of emotional abuse. These are great tip offs to let you know if you’re in an emotionally abusive situation.
Most people in an abusive situation don’t know if/that they are. It takes a while to piece everything together because abuse is SO insidious – it starts slow and is hard to spot. It’s like the analogy with frogs in a pot of water. If you put them in a pot of hot water, they will immediately try to jump out. But if you put them in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, the frogs don’t notice what’s happening so they don’t jump out.
Abusive situations are like this. It’s so hard to recognize the reality. When you do recognize what’s wrong, it’s hard to piece together exactly what it is. So here come 5 must know signs of emotional abuse that can help you understand what abuse is, what it looks like, and help you understand if you might be experiencing emotional abuse.
Sign # 1 Nothing is Ever Good Enough; there’s no winning
You cook, clean, whole house is spotless, kids are taken care of, fabulous dinner – their favorite, house smells great, dessert in the over, and when they walk in the door, they don’t notice any of that. Instead, they point out that you hung the shirts on the wrong hanger, AGAIN. Such a minor thing.
No recognition, thank you, or appreciation for all the wonderful stuff you’ve done. Instead, they key in on the ONE MINOR thing that’s out of place or not to their liking.
Can you relate to that?
Here’s something else that happens. You do exactly what they tell you is necessary to have a good relationship or them to be happy and later they tell you that you did it wrong or didn’t do it long enough. No matter what you do, it will never be good enough for them.
A woman I counseled would wake up at 5 am to get ready, make breakfast for her husband, and take their daughter to a religious study that started at 6 am before she went to the gym. Her husband woke up at 6 am and told her one day he thought it was really “lame” that he had to eat cold eggs. He wanted her to come home between dropping their daughter off and going to the gym so his eggs were warm when he woke up.
This is a woman who kept a wonderful, beautiful home. Cooked his meals, made his lunch, cleaned, did the laundry, took care of the kids, did his business payroll, did everything and anything he requested of her. And yet it wasn’t good enough. Never ever was.
Sign #2 You Always Feel Like You’re Walking on Eggshells
Can you relate to that one?
You never know what version of your partner is going to show up. Sometimes their sweet and loving, other times raging and yelling right in your face. You’re always on edge about what you’re going to get with them.
You hear the car pulling up and you tense up. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells and do everything perfectly or you’re going to get in trouble. Because never is ever to their liking, you know you’re going to get in trouble, you just never know for what.
Sign # 3 You’re Being Controlled in Subtle Ways
Starts by telling you, “I don’t like it when you do your hair like that.” Or “You should do things this way,” or “You do that wrong.”
Little comments to undercut the way you do things, the decisions you make. They show disapproval for the decisions you make and tell you how wrong you are for your decisions.
They also say things like, “I don’t like that friend of yours,” “You shouldn’t hang out with that person.”
They want this control because control makes them feel better about themselves. We explain that in detail in our abuse recovery program, Stop Emotional Abuse.
We explain more about what abuse is, how to recognize it, then how to deal with it and create healthy, loving relationship dynamics, all the way to healing and finding the peace, freedom, joy, and happiness you deserve.
Back to the control: abusers need it. And something they need to maintain that control is for you to be ISOLATED from others who can give you objective insight as to what the situation really is (family, friends, resources).
They do everything they can do control you and your decisions so you will do whatever they want you to.
Sign # 4 Your Partner Often Changes the Story (you feel like you’re going crazy)
Your partner changes the story so often you wonder if you’re recalling things inaccurately. You question your memory. You honestly wonder if you’re going crazy because their recall of events is so different from yours.
This is called GASLIGHTING and crazy making. Gaslighting is changing the story to their benefit, which makes you feel like you’re going crazy for remembering the correct version.
One certain sign you’re being emotionally used is your partner consistently uses phrases such as,
“It didn’t happen like that.”
“I never said that.”
“I wouldn’t have done that.”
“You’re so paranoid, she’s just a friend.”
“No one likes you.”
“Quit being so dramatic.”
“I’m not going to argue with you” – you weren’t arguing, you were trying to discuss something that’s important to you and they refuse you that opportunity.
“You’re always so combative.”
These are clear indicators of emotional abuse: Changing the story, changing the version of the events.
Sign # 5 It Was SO GOOD in the Beginning
Remember the beginning? How euphoric the high was? How special you felt when your partner did ANYTHING for you? They told you you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. They’d never met someone like you. You’re different from all the others. You made them feel SO special.
Do you remember that? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!
That, my friend, is what we call Love Bombing.
It’s so good in the beginning because the abuser hands out love and affection the same way a drug dealer hands out drugs to get you hooked. Once you’re hooked, you’ll want more of it and will to WHATEVER it takes to get more of that high, including enduring abuse.
Every now and again they drop enough crumbs make you think they old version of them is coming back to keep you hanging on. That’s called intermittent reinforcement. You race to them hoping the relationship can be saved and since you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get the euphoric high, they know they can go right back to mistreating you and you’ll take it.
BONUS SIGN You know something is wrong, can’t put your finger on it
If you know there’s something wrong in your relationship and you can’t describe it, can’t explain it, you have trouble talking to other people about it, you can’t quite figure if out in your mind, but in your gut you know something is wrong in the relationship, that’s a MUST KNOW sign of emotional abuse in the relationship.
Pay attention to what your gut is telling you. Get educated on what emotional abuse is (search this website and our social media pages - YouTube, Insta, Pinterest).
If you’re ready to learn more about recovering from abuse, access our FREE abuse recovery guide so you can move toward the peace, freedom, and happiness you deserve or check out the complete, online abuse recovery program, Stop Emotional Abuse.
