Intimate partner violence (domestic abuse) is an issue that affects both women and men.
Research indicates that 1 in 4 women in the United States and 1 in 7 men will experience intimate partner violence at some point. Staggering numbers.
Often, the abused partner has a difficult time leaving the relationship and even after they’ve left will get questions like, “Why didn't you leave sooner?” “If it was that bad, why did you stay?”
If only it were that easy.
An abusive relationship is totally incomprehensible to anyone who has never experienced it. It doesn’t make sense that another human being would act the way the abused person describes the abuser to be acting, so they just figure the abused person is exaggerating or did something to bring the abuse on themselves.
The following article will bring clarity to anyone who wonders, “Why did you stay so long if it was so bad?”
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"I know why women stay."
This is what my friend said to me as we talked about her soon-to-be-ex attacking her and having to face him the next day as she jumped through all the court hoops.
This is what she said after 3 years of enduring abusive treatment that included gaslighting, extreme financial abuse - she made more money than he did but wasn't allowed a credit card; she ‘couldn't be trusted.’ She had a debit card and he RELIGIOUSLY checked her purchases as soon as she made them. He hid tens of thousands of dollars throughout their marriage - mocking, jokes that weren't jokes, him texting (maybe more) another woman about his fantasies, and other mistreatment.
This is what she, a well educated, respected professional with an advanced degree, said after her 3rd marriage to such a guy.
In the beginning he was charming, perfect for her kids, focused on her, different from the other two.
It changed 3 weeks into the marriage.
This is what she said after for yet another time he had tried to use his body to block her from getting somewhere. Which was after he pushed her daughter for standing up for her and after years of being called vile names. This is what she said after he had shoved her yet again.
This is what she said after he lunged at her and grabbed her throat as she was trying to get a tool to take down the bed so she could move out. The only reason he didn't have a strangulation charge is she fought him off so she didn't pass out.
This is what she said after his father called her, asking her to drop the whole thing, that they both had done things wrong.
This was after her abuser continued to threaten her and intimidate her even in her new place, and then violated the protection order - not in big ways, just enough to show he's in control and can't be caught.
Thursday was his first appearance in court. His lawyer argued for a deferred judgment, which means as long as he fulfills the requirements set forth, the charges are dropped after a year. The DA said this was wholly inappropriate based on the facts of the case, so his lawyer immediately moved for trial, thinking they had the leverage.
As soon as we saw him in the courtroom, he, someone we used to call ‘friend,’ through his smug gestures and eye rolls, mocked the four of us that came to the courtroom to support Leslie, the woman HE TRIED TO CHOKE.
As we left the courtroom, he waved to us in a mocking way, showing the world, at least in his estimation, that he's the bigger man, that this is no big deal.
I’ve dealt with verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. I know how insidious it is. How hard to spot it is. How many times you second guess yourself for setting boundaries because they try to make you feel ridiculous for doing so. And I've talked with and coached dozens of others in similar situations.
Even with that, it took Thursday's experience to REALLY see it.
To see just how disconnected from reality someone who tried to STRANGLE another human being can be, how they can play it off as no big deal. How they can honestly believe that that both parties shoulder the blame and he was just reacting because she set him off.
To see how painful it was for my friend to even be in the same vicinity with the man who PUT HIS HANDS AROUND HER THROAT, to hear about his threats, to know of what he's capable, to understand just how strong his gaslighting is that he looked at us completely believing this should just go away without him having to face consequence.
Now I know why women stay.
I know that better after Thursday.
They stay because they’re afraid of the abuser and believe the devil they know is better than the devil they don't know. They’re worried about what he'll do if they leave because they know that no one is so unhinged as the abuser who is losing control.
They stay because they're afraid nobody will believe them - the abuser is so charming and convincing and comes across as so sure they’ve done nothing wrong it’s hard not to believe them.
They stay because they’re afraid the courts won't and can't protect them.
They stay because they’re afraid that maybe they are in the wrong and maybe he's right.
They stay because they’re afraid for the safety of their children, who always get dragged into these messes.
Most of all, they stay because they fear that the constant hell and abuse they've lived in will get worse if they fight it because that’s what’s happened each time they’ve tried to stand up for themselves against the abuser.
I know why women stay.
But I also know why women (and men) leave. They leave because they honestly know in their heart they can’t do it anymore. They leave because they found the courage and strength to tell someone and get help. They leave because they realize the continuing damage that will be done if they stay.
They leave because they know it’s the right thing to do and it’s become the right time to do it.
They leave because they know that abuse is not the final chapter in their story. I’m so glad my friend is writing a new chapter in hers.
If you think it might be time for you to learn more about how to Stop Emotional Abuse, click here.
