Boundaries are misunderstood.
A lot of people think boundaries are about making the other person do something.
Or they think if they set a boundary the other person is supposed to respect it and that’s that.
But that’s far from what boundaries are or how they work. If you’re in an emotionally abusive situation, you’ve figured out that the other person is going to do what they’re going to do. It doesn’t matter what you say.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else. They’re about controlling yourself.
Here are three keys to making boundaries work, why thy work, and how they can help protect you against abuse.
Key #1 Get clear on what you’re willing to accept in life and what you’re no longer willing to accept in life
You’re probably used to being screamed at, yelled at, called names, degraded, and mistreated in a hundred different ways. You have to decide if that’s the way you want things to be going forward.
If you decide you’re no longer willing to accept standing there while someone screams at you, spitting in your face as they do, you can set a boundary around that. The boundary might be when that happens, you’re going to walk away. That’s your boundary, you get to make that choice.
Abusers are freedom stealers and want you believe you can’t make choices for yourself. They want you to believe the only things that are right and good are what they say and the only choices you can make are the ones they want you to make, so it may not have even crossed your mind that walking away when someone is screaming at you is an option. But it is. And it’s one of your greatest defenses.
You get to make your own decisions about how you act.
If you’re afraid that your abuser may try to physically hurt you if you were to walk away, call the National Domestic Violence hotline for some help. 800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org. Also visit the Resources section of this website.
One of the reasons boundaries are so effective is that when you hold them, the abuser understands you’re no longer an easy target, you’re no longer easy to manipulate. So what happens over time, is that they lose interest and move on to someone else, an easier target. That’s sad for the new target and it’s sick and twisted on the part of the abuser, but it’s not your problem.
Your problem, your issue, your focus are the actions YOU take, not the actions your abuser takes. Which takes us to the next key.
Key #2 You only control you
You don’t control the other person, you’re not responsible for the other person. You’re not responsible for how they act, or how they react. You are only responsible for you.
If your abuser threatens that if you do something they don’t like, they’re going to do something (usually something that scares you – a form of emotional blackmail), that’s THEIR choice if they decide to do that thing.
They’re threatening you because they’re used to that working. They’re used to threatening you and you backing down and giving them whatever they want. That’s how they maintain control.
But you’re not responsible for what they do. You’re not responsible for the actions they take.
it doesn’t matter what they threaten to do, as long as you’re safe. Let them pout, spout, do whatever they’re going to do; you’re only responsible for YOUR choices.
Key #3 Be Kind, honest, and reasonable no matter what is happening
This one is hard. But it’s vital.
If you get upset, if you react, if you get emotional, you’re feeding into what the abuser wants – you off balance because then they have control, you’re not stable when you’re reacting as opposed to responding and CHOOSING your actions.
Stay kind, honest, and reasonable no matter what’s happening and then you have a clear head, you’re able to see through what’s happening. You’re able to make better decisions.
If you’re kind, honest, and reasonable you don’t have anything to worry about.
Is it reasonable to not want to be called names anymore? Yes! That’s a reasonable boundary. So if you decide that if someone is calling you names you’re not going to interact with them anymore, that’s a reasonable boundary. The only people who hate you having reasonable boundaries are the ones who get away with manipulating you when you don’t.
It’s not unkind to walk away from an abuser. What’s unkind is someone abusing you. It’s not unkind to protect yourself from abuse. If you’re kind, honest, and reasonable in your boundary, you have NOTHING to worry about.
Watch out for your abuser not liking your boundaries and trying to railroad right through those. Don’t worry about when they call you the unreasonable one, when they accuse you, when they say you’re the abuser because you’re ignoring them when you walk away from their abuse.
If they’re abusing you and you set a boundary, you’re fine!
Bonus Key: Be ready for them to amp up their behavior (because they’re used to you caving)
When you set and stick to a boundary, the abuser is going to see that as an impediment to their control, so they’re going to push harder. They’re going to take their antics to the next level.
They’re going to call you even more vicious names. Humiliate you in front of people who matter to you. Spread lies. Amp up threats about taking money away or reporting you to child protective services. Or WHATEVER GARBAGE they can come up to try to get you to back down because they hate that boundary.
But don’t back down. DON’T CAVE.
One of the keys to boundaries is to be clear on what you’re willing to live with and not live with anymore and stick to that. Don’t keep caving because every time you cave what it signals is that your boundary isn’t important to you and you don’t mind being abused so guess what the abuser will do? Abuse you. Because that’s what abusers do.
Recap:
Key #1 Get clear on what you’re willing to accept in life and what you’re no longer willing to accept in life.
Key #2 You only control you
Key #3 Be Kind, honest, and reasonable not matter what is happening.
Bonus Key: Be ready for them to amp up their behavior because they’re used to you caving.
You will mess up. It’s hard to break the pattern and learn to stick to boundaries. They’re used to pushing on you and you’re used to caving. Give yourself some grace. It’s takes time. But it’s well worth it.
When you set and stick to reasonable boundaries, the abuser loses interest in you because they figure out they can’t push you around anymore. What they want more than ANYTHING on earth is to not feel weak, inadequate, or worth less. (check out the video on How to Outsmart the Narcissist to learn more about this)
For help with boundaries and healing, check out our FREE abuse recovery guide.
To stop walking on eggshells and find the peace, freedom, happiness, and joy that you deserve, check out our Abuse Recovery Program.
