Living with a narcissist is like living in hell. No joke. In fact, one of the women I coached said it was like being in a cult of one. She was the only member and he expected to be treated as god.
Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-worth that comes from a fragile ego. Now, some experts debate if that’s the case or not, but from my experience that’s exactly what’s happening. Narcissists most often become narcissists because of childhood trauma involving not feeling good enough, not measuring up. In some way they were told by a parent or other prominent adult in their life that who they were was not good enough.
As a result of internalizing that painful message, they have vowed to never look weak, feel inadequate, or feel worth less. And when I say worth less, I separate those words for clarity. They hate feeling worth LESS. ANY hit to their worth makes them feel attacked. The slightest action or thought or opinion of yours that in any way interferes with their ego feeling safe will be met with swift retribution.
They will never allow themselves to feel that childhood pain again so any time something even approaches a scintilla of closeness to it, they freak out. And that’s why you keep getting in trouble for everything that you do that doesn’t involve worshipping them.
That’s why you can’t have friends. Friends take your time away from them. That’s why they HATE when the kids need you. That’s why they don’t fight fair. That’s why they threaten you when you’re not doing what they want you to. That’s why any and every accomplishment of yours is crap – in their twisted mind everything is a competition where their ego has to win, has to be protected at all cost.
Once you understand that EVERYTHING the narcissist does it to get control, to protect the ego at all cost, their actions become understandable. Without that context, it’s futile to try to understand them. Trying to understand psychosis through the lens of sanity is a losing battle.
Narcissists don’t operate in reality. They operate in their own reality, which is why they’re constantly changing the story and making up their own version of things as they go along. What better way to control a situation than to create it? We’ve got a video on that if you haven’t seen it yet. What is Gaslighting and 5 Tips to Deal with It.
This need to protect the ego and control situations is also what drives their bizarre behavior of constantly creating chaos and then denying they create chaos. If they can create chaos and you respond to it, it signals to them that they have control over you and the situation and that’s wildly satisfying to them. It means their ego is safe from attack. Rather than have your own ideas which are scary to them because they can’t control them, it wraps you up in responding to what they’re doing. You’re confused and want to clear up the confusion, which usually comes by doing what they tell you to do, so they gain even more control. It’s a huge win for them.
If you’ve spent any length of time with a narcissist, it probably seems like you’ll never win with them. They will never treat you well for any length of time. They will never respect you. What you do will never be enough. You will never feel understood. You will never win an argument.
How does that feel? Yeah, I know.
But there is hope. There really is. Despite the current reality, there is hope for a better future.
I’m going to share some thoughts with you about how to outsmart the narcissist. There are a few levels to this, so your situation will dictate what might work.
If you’re just now figuring out that your significant other is an abuser, a narcissist, the first thing to do is:
1. Get educated on emotional abuse
Learn what it is. What gaslighting is. What crazy making is. What intermittent reinforcement is. Learn about trauma bonding and reactive abuse. When you understand in clear terms what’s happening in your situation and you recognize there are actual names for what you’ve experienced, at first you may feel sad to learn the reality, but it’s only then that you can begin to see the light.
Now, once you’ve learned about these things, don’t tell your partner you think they’re a narcissist. Remember their main concern in life? The thing they want more than anything else? To not look weak, inadequate, or worth less. How do you think telling them they’re doing those things will be received? Yep, as an attack on their ego. So just keep it to yourself.
If you’ve already learned a bit about abuse and you know what abuse is and that you’re being abused, but don’t know what to do about it, this part is for you.
2. Stop reacting to the narcissist!
Yes, that’s right. Stop playing into their game. Stop doing whatever it takes to keep them happy. Stop reacting to their chaos. Stop defending yourself when they accuse you of something – usually something really whacky and usually something they themselves are doing, we call that projecting – or putting you down. Stop explaining yourself and your emotions to them. Stop telling them everything you feel guilty by not telling them.
If you haven’t learned it by now, the narcissist gets a HUGE rush from you playing to them, reacting to them, living your life around them. It signals they are the big dog and you are there for them. That you’ll do whatever it takes to keep that happy. BOY does their ego love this. That’s why they’re constantly changing the rules to the game, to keep you constantly working for them. So stop doing it.
It’s going to be EXTREMELY hard at first. You are programmed to respond, to defend, to justify, to explain, the beg, plead, and ask for them to forgive you for something they did wrong. Don’t do it anymore.
Now, you are responsible for your safety, so if what I’m proposing makes you feel uncomfortable about your safety, call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800-799-SAFE or thehotline.org. They’ll help you create a plan to keep you safe.
This technique of not responding is called grey rock. You become as uninteresting, as uninterested, and as dull as a grey rock – apologies to any geologists out there. The rest of us understand a grey rock to typically be, for the most part, unremarkable. That’s how you want to be when interacting with the narcissist. Why? Because it takes away all their power. It signals that you aren’t a playing in their game anymore. You’re not responding to their attempts to control you. When you’re not getting upset, defending, and in any other way living your life around them, it shows you’re not easy to control anymore. And since they want control, what will happen?
First, they will amp up their behaviors to try to get control. Scream louder, make wilder accusations, try to bait you into an argument, complain more, blame more, attack you in front of others or try to make you look bad, shame you more, threaten something you think would be devastating.
And what should you do? Not respond. Because if you do, it again signals that they can manipulate you into responding. They’re used to their tactics working and when they don’t they know that just amping them up a bit will get you to cave because you hate the conflict. But don’t cave. Stay strong. Sure, you’ll mess up because it’s hard to break the pattern, but the more you hold strong, the more you grey rock, the more it shows you’re not as easy target.
Since the abuser wants control, what happens next? Well, if you hold the boundaries of how you’ll be treated long enough, meaning you walk away when they scream and don’t react, when you refuse to participate in arguments or defending yourself against their wild accusations, when you refuse to cave against their threats, they will lose interest.
Listen, the narcissist needs to be in control. That means they need a fight they can win. When you refuse to be manipulated and stick to that for a period of time, they start to lose interest. You’re no longer fun for them. You’re not responding to them, so they want to either force it if they’re a psychopath and sociopath like John Meehan, or they move on to find a new supply.
If you’re afraid your partner could be violent, again, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or online at thehotline.org. You should also check out the ‘Dirty John’ podcast or Netflix series.
So how do you outsmart a narcissist?
1. Get educated on abuse so you know what’s happening
2. Stop reacting to the narcissist
3. Create a Safety Plan and get out if you fear for your safety
Check out the FREE abuse recovery guide here
